subreddit:

/r/LifeProTips

1.4k

This goes both ways, saying no and hearing no.

You don’t need to give people reasons, justifications, excuses. A simple “no” is sufficient.

If you don’t like hearing “no,” learn. A lot of problems in your life comes from not being okay with hearing a simple “no.” You are not entitled to get your way.

Example: Alcohol

Don’t want to drink? No, thank you.

Want someone to have a drink with you, and they say no? Be okay with that. Don’t keep asking.

Same goes for:

being offered/offering food

being invited/inviting someone somewhere or to do an activity

“No” is a perfectly acceptable response

all 78 comments

keepthetips [M]

[score hidden]

2 months ago

stickied comment

keepthetips [M]

Keeping the tips since 2019

[score hidden]

2 months ago

stickied comment

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

Sorry-Librarian-3991

302 points

2 months ago

Also, be comfortable sitting in silence after saying no. I struggle with this.

[deleted]

132 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

132 points

2 months ago

Especially with police

MasterSendi

17 points

2 months ago

Underrated comment lol

traker998

21 points

2 months ago

I mean i tend to go with no thank you as no is kinda rude sounding. You can still be polite while saying no by adding the thank you at the end.

spicyIBS

12 points

2 months ago

Say "NO" and then lean into them like dark Brandon

Sorry-Librarian-3991

0 points

2 months ago

😂

-BINK2014-

2 points

2 months ago

I sit silence 90%-95% of the time, it bothers me none to do so after telling someone no. Lonely life, but eh; introversion and social anxiety are a bitch. 🤷‍♂️🥲

Skiptz

3 points

2 months ago

Skiptz

3 points

2 months ago

im here if you wanna Chat :)

TheRealASP

5 points

2 months ago

no

cabalavatar

50 points

2 months ago

If you have boundary issues, you probably have problems with people pleasing and codepedency. Get at the core problem by reading up on codepedency and how to heal from what makes you that way.

Sure, saying no could help in some scenarios, but it's at best a bandaid that most of the people who disregard and violate boundaries will strip off with persistence. Learn about the underlying problems too.

alexjrivs

68 points

2 months ago*

Highly recommend a book called “The Best Yes”. We can only give that, when we say “no” to the other things.

mahmoudhanine9t7

17 points

2 months ago

I think my bank account already knows 'no' is a complete sentence, but I'm down to check out that book!

CheckMateFluff

3 points

2 months ago

I wish mine did, it likes to re-order my charges so it can overdraft me every time it can.

Say I only got 60$, it's four days from payday and I have to buy groceries for four days. I spend 30$ for gas, and 20$ for mailing a package and buying stamps. Then I proceed to go to the store and overcharge my card ONCE for 120$ so I can get to feed everyone before payday. Sucks buts it's only a one-time fee for 17 and that's okay because it means everyone eats right?

Well, the bank decides to charge the 120$ first, then every other charge gets an overdraft fee of 17$. Now for the punishment of being poor, I have to pay 68$...

Now start over at -188$ and keep working. Hoping life is easier for you next week so you can at least not be in the negative by the end of the next pay period.

PanthraxIV

2 points

2 months ago

Not sure if this works for you, but I used to pull cash out with that last transaction that would go over thus avoiding fee's each time I needed a purpose. Whatever I didn't spend would just go back into the account when I got paid. I could go up to $750 over, and that saved me a time or two lol.

CheckMateFluff

3 points

2 months ago

Ever since the above happened I do as you mentioned. It is just hard sometimes when you already work all the time and still fill like you are drowning. But I live in Arkansas and things kinda suck here at the moment.

m945050

1 points

2 months ago

It's minor, but why couldn't the package and stamps wait until after payday?

CheckMateFluff

3 points

2 months ago

This time sadly no, it was Medicine that was sent to me in the mail by mistake and was meant for my sibling. I had to make sure they got it as they are out of luck if they had an attack and didn't have it. Sadly it's expensive too so it's not like they could get more, especially out of state.

adgjl65

2 points

2 months ago

You are a good sibling!

KleineDorpsbewoner

0 points

2 months ago

You have boundary issues. You did not fuck up sending that package to yourself, so you should not put yourself in financial trouble for anyone, not even your sibling. They messed up, they pick up the package. The supplier messed up, they re-send the package.

CheckMateFluff

2 points

2 months ago

It was supposed to be sent to them where they are currently but I guess something went wrong along the way and I was the backup address as I own our original family home. It's not like I can wait to send it, they need it to, ya know, live? so I had to bite that bullet. And honestly, it would have been fine paying $20 if the bank didn't re-order the charges to overdraft me 4 times.

They paid me back after the fact but I can't ask them to pay for the overdrafts, that's not right in itself.

hibernate2020

41 points

2 months ago

"No." is a complete sentence. The problem is that most people care what others think so it can be difficult to leave it at that. The other issue is that some unethical people know this as well and will leverage guilt to get what they want.

The root solution is to stop caring what other people think.

yukon-flower

10 points

2 months ago

Unfortunately it is not always safe to say “no” and walk away. Some people — enough people to matter — are creepy or violent or unstable enough that you must ease your way out of situations.

hdmx539

1 points

2 months ago

Some people — enough people to matter — are creepy or violent or unstable enough that you must ease your way out of situations.

There's a whole sub about this, r/whenwomenrefuse.

CMAJ-7

13 points

2 months ago

CMAJ-7

13 points

2 months ago

Its a complete sentence, but it’s also perceived as rude by most people in most contexts. That’s what makes it hard for me.

Mapincanada[S]

12 points

2 months ago

It’s not about saying only “no.” It’s about saying “no” without the excuses, reasons, justifications. You can still be polite and say “no, thank you.”

hdmx539

6 points

2 months ago

It’s about saying “no” without the excuses, reasons, justifications.

Yes! There's an acronym for that: JADE

Justify

Argue

Defend

Explain

bad_apiarist

1 points

2 months ago

I wonder if this is true. There are things few people believe, but most think most others believe.

Maybe some people will think you are rude. But maybe they'll also think you're confident and assertive.

We should take seriously the idea that conducting ourselves with sense and dignity logically entails a fraction of society thinking that we are "rude" or some other bad thing. We should not live to please them, we should live to displease them.

redundantposts

10 points

2 months ago

On a similar topic, while going to school for my current career I was a manager at cvs. Often I’d have to call for overtime or to give more hours, whatever. I tried to teach everyone exactly this; you’re allowed to just say no. I don’t need an excuse as to why, it’s not my business. Call out sick? Get better; I don’t need to know what you have. You have sick time, use it as you need.

Some people took more to break than others, but I found once people don’t have to make excuses with you, or don’t feel the need to be embarrassed to use their earned time off, you have happier people in general.

deadstarxxx

24 points

2 months ago

The people that need to learn to take no for an answer unfortunately aren't going to be the ones reading this.

trica1128

14 points

2 months ago

I hate comments like this.

What’s the point of being so pessimistic? If even 1 person happens to read this that may need it, that’s one more person better off. Not everything has to be viral for it to be meaningful.

spicyIBS

4 points

2 months ago

no

trica1128

3 points

2 months ago

ok

Piper1105

2 points

2 months ago

LOL

I just wanted to say that I know what you are saying and appreciate it. The reason is because I was helped by the OP. I have a really hard time saying no. Been that way for as long as I can remember and it has taken a toll as the years go on and people take advantage. So I am someone who needs to work on saying no and I was helped by reading the post.

You have a good attitude.

TheGildedDildoArises

1 points

2 months ago

Same. I struggle with codependency and these little reminders are always super helpful.

hdmx539

7 points

2 months ago

When I ask something of someone, I reassure them up front by telling them that I'm okay with it if they say no, that I don't mind, and it is literally why I asking them whatever it is that I'm asking.

I, too, had problems with boundaries - hell, I didn't even know what they were let alone being able to say no. So I took it from my perspective and I now tell folks that I don't know too well up front it's okay to say no, I am making a request, not a demand, and if they're unable or unwilling I'm okay with that too.

I desperately wished people would have done that with me. It would have helped me build up confidence in saying no and also be okay with saying no instead of feeling guilty for denying a request so much sooner in my life. So now I reassure people it's okay to say no, not just to me, but to anyone! Because it is.

It's ok to tell someone no. A request is that, a request. If someone gets angry that you told them no, then they weren't making a request, they were making a demand, and that's something entirely different.

TheGildedDildoArises

2 points

2 months ago

Same. Did you have a rough childhood?

hdmx539

1 points

2 months ago

Yes. Abuse and extreme poverty with a side of neglect.

Would I be correct in saying that you did too, since you could relate? If so, I'm so terribly sorry you were hurt. 😔

TheGildedDildoArises

1 points

2 months ago

Lol yep. I’m starting to read The Body Keeps The Score and This Naked Mind.

It’s been a JOURNEY for sure but I escaped the cycle, thank god. Sending you all the happiness and self-care. 🥰

Ok_Yogurtcloset7373

13 points

2 months ago

I need to learn to stop at “NO”. I tend to say “No, sorry”, but I really have nothing to be sorry about!

Mapincanada[S]

2 points

2 months ago

Exactly!

As a Canadian, I use “sorry” in just about every other sentence lol

Silly_name_1701

1 points

2 months ago

"sorry" invites a lot of people to argue you into "yes". It can also imply that there's something further to explain, that it's your fault, or that you'd like to if not for some unmentioned circumstance that they could probably convince you isn't really an obstacle.

I try not to use these phrases specifically to people who I don't owe an explanation, and those who I know will want to argue. It's hard when you've been conditioned to overexplain and overshare because "no" was only acceptable in case of natural disaster (thanks, mom).

bad_apiarist

5 points

2 months ago

Also a useful skill when dealing with an in-person or on-phone salesperson. Often when you just say no, they'll say something like, "Would you mind telling me why? Is it too expensive?"

Your instinct is to answer, but this is a mistake that only prolongs the time-wasting. Instead, I say, " I don't owe you an explanation."

Loose_Law4321

4 points

2 months ago

I tend to distance myself from people who don't respect my boundaries. Has become hard for me to want to build new relationships cause of people from my past.

gaybhoiii0690

5 points

2 months ago

A good book to also read is “boundaries, where you end and I begin” by Ann Katherine.

Has little suggestions on what you could say with examples too. I learned to say when someone asks me personal questions, is “I don’t know you well enough to talk about that”. And if they persist, pause, and say it again. If they continue to persist, pause even longer, and then say it again. I’ve had to say that to people several times, and some got the point, and others didn’t, and that’s just life lol.

Ken_from_Barbie

3 points

2 months ago

Sometimes I say 'I'm sorry but I can't..'

urabewe

3 points

2 months ago

I absolutely, positively HATE it when someone asks me if I want something to eat. I say "No, I'm good.", then they start with the "Are you sures?". After saying no several times, they either cook you something to eat or go ahead and buy you something from wherever they were going. They then get mad when you remind them you didn't want anything and aren't going to eat the food they gave me.

"I was just trying to be nice.", being nice would have been listening to me say I'm not hungry or interested in eating right now.

Atroia001

3 points

2 months ago

I have a check once rule. When I have guests or are offering things, I ask "Are you sure?" One time when people say no. If they say they are sure, I stop asking.

This comes from I don't like to impose, so I often say no to be polite. If someone says "I insist" or something along those lines, I know they really mean it. At that point, I take their word for it without being rude.

MatanteMerlot

3 points

2 months ago

I still don't understand why it's so hard to respect when we say no to alcohol...

Mapincanada[S]

3 points

2 months ago

It’s weird. People almost take it personally

Nutsnboldt

3 points

2 months ago

I’ve perfected the “yeah nah”. Still trying to be more assertive.

elliem6307

2 points

2 months ago

One of the best things my mother taught me was that no is not a “bad word.”

Forbidden_Flan69

2 points

2 months ago

A similar phrase that can serve as a helpful follow-up post setting boundaries is "Asked and answered" it works wonders. Example:

Them: Hey dude I need you drop me off at work tomorrow.

You: No.

Them: What? Well, why not?!

You: Asked and answered.

disneyfood

2 points

2 months ago

I always used to, and sometimes still say “not today” or “not now” which leads to their follow up question of WHEN.

I hate it

atnator42

2 points

2 months ago

"Will you marry me?" "No." stands there silently for 10 minutes

Seems good.

trees095

2 points

2 months ago

I really needed this today! I struggle with boundaries and get codependent in my relationships

cS150

2 points

2 months ago

cS150

2 points

2 months ago

A good way to practice this (whenever the opportunity comes up) is when somebody offers you something like some of their food or similar. If they insist on sharing with you, hold your ground and if they ask why not, say because you're good, that's why.

It's easier to say no to being offered something than it is to say no to a favor from you.

Sharp_Discipline6544

2 points

2 months ago

This is important to hear. My step-father always had a bunch of questions and required me to explain "why" to anything that didn't match up with what he wanted.

Now it's hard for me to not (over)explain why I am saying no.

DonkeySilver6051

2 points

2 months ago

Never had a problem with no. I simply state no not for me thank you or no that doesnt suit me or Ill even say No, i dont feel like it. With that, Im done. Ive never felt the need to explain myself to anyone. Likewise, I never expect others to explain their No s to me.

waltersmama

1 points

2 months ago

AGGGH!!!!! “No” is NOT a complete sentence. It is a sentence FRAGMENT.

But, in the situations where this tip is meant to be implemented, no one owes anyone a complete sentence after saying “no”.

FactsFromExperience

0 points

2 months ago

Well, I like to confine myself to situations where I'm in charge so they really don't have the option of saying no. Lol. A lot of people do have that annoying habit of trying to convince you when you tell them no though.

Confrontation and can't even lose them the ability to be around me because I have found it's far easier to disassociate yourself from people that cause stress in your life.

If these people don't respect you enough to respect every decision you make then they are probably more stressful and do more harm than good to you or for you. So.... bye!

Troll-life22

1 points

2 months ago

“No” means nothing without “Yes”.

anewman513

1 points

2 months ago

"No" is not a complete sentence.

brutik

1 points

2 months ago

brutik

1 points

2 months ago

After you follow this LPT, don't be too surprised when you are never invited or offered anything again by the person you were just incredibly rude to.

And if this was a random annoying person, then that's the way to go. But if this was a relative or a friend, consider being just a bit more polite.

Mapincanada[S]

1 points

2 months ago

How is saying “no, thank you” rude?

brutik

2 points

2 months ago

brutik

2 points

2 months ago

Depends on the situation. If I slaved over the stove making an elaborate dish and you are aware of that and simply say "no, thank you" with absolutely no other explanation, you are never eating my homecooked food again. If I plan a night out and invite you and all I hear is "no, thank you" with no attempt to reschedule or explain, you are never going out with me again. If I offered you a random drink or a snack, "no, thank you" is perfectly acceptable.

Mapincanada[S]

1 points

2 months ago

That’s fair. When I wrote this I was thinking of this manager who won’t take no for an answer when he orders drinks for his team. He does the same with clients on the golf course. With alcohol you never know why someone says no, and they don’t need to give a reason

Alphapix

1 points

2 months ago

Yeah just don't be that way! Just change! I'm sure that's really helpful advice yo somebody.

diadem

1 points

2 months ago

diadem

1 points

2 months ago

The issue isn't saying no, it's the sudden explosive rage from other people when you use that word.

suprememama

1 points

2 months ago

if u think too much then saying no can be hard as u will instinctively think it over before u say no,,,its the adam eve and satan all over again but we dont realize,,,,we cant separate the worlds and when we overthink the devil takes over and gets his way as per my experience

its hard having a proper focused mindset all the time.

there's a lot of depth to the above,,,only few who have experienced it might understand