We live in the end unit of a condo, so we only have neighbors one side and we share the wall on that side. When we had just moved in we found out the previous tenants were hoarders and had created a rat problem in our walls. The way they scratched is burned into my brain. That’s all solved now thankfully.

Before the current neighbours there were two families, both of them with teenagers, one of them with a kid with autism that their mom told us he screams and throws stuff, both families have two big dogs. NEVER heard a peep from them in our house. Nothing. Nada. Like the house next to us was unoccupied.

The family that’s living next to us is just a couple and their young kid, maybe 5-6 years old. And yet they are the noisiest people I’ve ever met. They seem to be moving furniture around the whole freaking day, we can hear them stomping, we can hear their TV, they yell at each other constantly, it’d be funny if it wasn’t so annoying.

Two days ago while I was watching TV they started their shenanigans and I unconsciously started scratching the wall the way I remember rats scratching the wall and that made the noise stop.

I did it again yesterday and it worked yet again.

Today we woke up to the sound of drills, saws and smashing on their side of the wall. I’m pretty sure they’re looking for a rat they’ll never find.

TL;DR Found out the sound of scratching their wall like a rat made noisy neighbors stop being noisy. Cause them to tear down their wall.

this happened roughly ten minutes ago.

so, i (20F) have been talking to this cute guy for a couple weeks on bumble. i’m really enjoying talking to him. he’s super sweet and funny, and has a lot of personality.

last week, he asked me what my ideal first date was and i said coffee because idk, i like coffee and talking!!! lol!! and we agreed to tuesday which is now tomorrow.

i’ve been really busy all week and lo and behold was just scrolling through fucking tiktok when it hit me— OUR DATE IS TOMORROW AND I DO NOT KNOW WHEN OR WHERE WE ARE MEETING. shit!

relevant background, my mom has also been asking me when i’m free on tuesday for an unspecified event. she will NOT give me details. she is very adamant that it is a surprise. i know it was “more expensive than the zoo, but less expensive than the concert we went to a couple weeks ago”. that’s IT. right?? super vague. i love my mom, she’s so excited about it lmao.

anyway, i hit ole pal with this message, which i have copied and pasted straight from the source: “also it just struck me that our date is tomorrow— when and where do you want to meet? i’m free until 3 PM :) my mom is apparently planning a surprise for us but she’s being very cryptic about what it is lol”

YEAH, SO I MEANT MY SISTER AND I. BUT GUESS HOW THAT SOUNDS?

he just went “oh boy okay” and i was like “sorry i hit you with that out of the blue!” MEANING BRINGING UP THE DATE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR CONVO. BUT THIS COMMENT DID NOT HELP MY CASE

he was like “i’m just kinda socially anxious,” so i was like “oh i promise i’m really chill i just talk a lot! we can also go to this cool back room that’s not totally separate but it’s quieter with some cool windows :)” and he went “nah i’m good one on one i’m just nervous about meeting your mom”

it all clicked in that moment. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUC

i am mortified. he is relieved. thank god he was still chill about it even when he thought he was meeting my mother. ON THE FIRST DATE. oh my god. lord have mercy on my soul. i’m gonna lose my fucking mind.

and yes, my mom did nearly piss herself laughing when i told her right before writing this post.

TL;DR — going on first date tomorrow with cute guy. told him i was free until 3 PM because my mom was planning some surprise for “us”, referring to me and my little sister. didn’t realize how that sounded. he was nice about it. i am currently eating my own foot

I'm pretty new to the company and in one of my first major presentations to the company I messed up. In the midst of fancy tech speak, I was talking through geolocation services and happened to say a phrase that I thought I knew my whole life. But didn't. I said "we can target it with piss-point accuracy". I thought it did a great job until at the end my colleague said "we could have done without that potty talk though ya think?" We got into a tiny debate about piss versus pin. I always knew it as that because when you're peeing, you want to be accurate and hit the middle of the toilet or urinal. No mess to wipe down. Mama's not angry. Though as my coworker noted, pins, makes sense especially when we are talking about maps. Realizing that I might have been certainly definitely embarrassingly wrong, I was ready to concede, hang up the video, and crawl up into a ball. Another colleague chimed in "that was funny though at least you got a chuckle from [client]" which I did not remember happening. But now I'm thinking of the second or maybe even third time I said it It must have sound like I was beating a dead horse. Is that better than getting the phrase wrong to begin with? Neither is good. I can't work the rest of today.

TL;DR My whole life I thought it was "piss point accuracy"

I just got home from work today and spotted a contractor working on my apartment building. This is the second time I’ve seen him around here, and last time I thought he looked familiar. So tonight I asked him what his name was, because I work in a pharmacy and I wondered if he was one of our patients. Turned out he is one of the regulars. I told him my name and said, “I’m always checking you out.” He replied, “yeah, same here.” I meant, I’m the cashier always checking out/ringing up his prescriptions for him. But now he thinks I was hitting on him, and he is likely to follow suit next time I see him at the pharmacy. Oh crap.

TL;DR I ran into a customer outside of work, told him I always check him out, he said same, but I meant ringing up his purchases.

In a college molecular biology class I learned I was a “slow caffeine metabolizer”. This did not surprise me, as I have always avoided caffeine (not a coffee drinker) and my mother even banned me from drinking Mt. Dew at her house because it makes me bounce off the walls and talk like a chipmunk on speed. I’m also not a huge fan of tea, though I will drink herbal tea blends. At a departmental tea hour I attended today they only had black tea, so I tried some (and left the tea bag in my tea as I drank it like I do with herbal tea). I am now one giant ball of anxiety thanks to my poor ability to metabolize caffeine. I had to get up and leave my computer so I wouldn’t start crying for no reason because I was feeling so out of sorts. I really wish I could process caffeine.

TL;DR drank black tea that I steeped too long as a slow caffeine metabolizer, now am an anxious mess for the last hour of the work day.

I want to preface this post by saying mental health is important and I’m in no way disparaging therapy. I’ll admit the post title is a bit clickbait-ish, but still accurate.

The story starts a few months ago when I joined a friend on an impromptu bar crawl and met a cute girl (who we’ll call KJ). During the course of the crawl and in between flights of local IPAs, we bond over the fact we both had recently got out of serious relationships and moved into apartments of our own. Turns out, her place is a stones throw away from my new bachelor pad.

Post crawl, she DMs me on Instagram and we continue to talk. Soon enough we start casually seeing each other. I learn KJ is a therapist who specializes in marriage and family therapy. As time goes by, we see each other with increased frequency and the Define the Relationship topic starts to sneak into the conversations. We agree to take things slow as we both have wounds to heal from our past, but since our “activities” were becoming less protected she ensured that she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else and on birth control. We agreed that if we do happen to get with someone else, we’d let the other party know and take proper precautions to protect ourselves. This arrangement worked until yesterday.

We had plans to hang out yesterday afternoon but she texted me the night before to talk about us. She wanted to take our relationship to the next level and be fully exclusive. I was hesitant because I honestly didn’t feel like I was a priority to her as she’d often cancel planned hang outs and only seemed to have time for me on some odd night out of the week. We’re both busy people and she had a new job so I tried not to fault her for it. Anyways, I let her know I wasn’t ready for that commitment yet and we decide to just remain friends. We also cancel our plans to hang out the next day to give her some space.

Cut to yesterday, KJ is out with some coworkers at a bar nearby my apartment. I receive a badly spelled text asking if she can come over. It’s raining pretty hard and I’m thinking she just wants to wait it out before walking back up to her place. Probably a bit naive, I know. She shows up soaking wet and clearly a few adult beverages down. She tells me she lost her phone and proceeds to lay on my bathroom shower floor. Eventually I her off the floor and into the bed with a glass of water to sleep it off. I call her phone a few times and eventually someone picks up. It’s a police officer at the station a few blocks from me. Someone had found the phone and turned it in. Since she was in no state to walk, let alone show up to the station, I ask the officer if I can pick it up for her. He assures me I can as long as I can unlock the phone. I proceed to get the code from KJ and head to the station.

At the station, the officer holds the phone up to me and I type the code in. It unlocks to her text message list and immediately below my texts I see her ex’s name with a ❤️. I’ll admit, curiousity got the better of me and I shouldn’t have snooped but on the walk back… I did. I didn’t even have to scroll to see on Friday, the day before she asked to take our relationship to the next level, she had been sleeping with her ex. It stings a little extra as I had asked her to hang out that day and she told me she was taking a “self care / mental health day”.

I get back to my place and confront her, she can’t explain anything besides being sorry and repeating “you don’t deserve this”. I know. She leaves. Oh and she had puked in my bed, so it became laundry day.

I also get the feeling KJ’s ex either doesn’t know he’s being described as an ex or at the very least doesn’t know about me. This morning I break off all communication but also give her a chance to come clean to the “ex” or I’ll message him myself. She confirms and sends screenshots of her confession. Who knew a marriage therapist would have such messy relationships, I definitely didn’t expect it.

TLDR: Met cute girl, pukes in my bed and I discover I may be the side piece at the police station.

This happened a few hours ago so it's still fresh.

My kid sleeps with his pampers on. He woke me up around 2 am saying he needs to go to the loo. When I helped him take his pants off I realized he had an insect bike, which was weird, so I took his pj's and gave them a good shake out the window.

Once he was finished, we returned to bed where in my infinite wisdom (instead of just throwing it away to get rid of potential insect) and without thinking.... I started shaking his Pampers. The fraking thing exploded in tiny pieces... That padding that is used to absorb went ALL OVER the floor and some on the wall. I can't understand how it disintegrated to that degree, but oh my god it was awful.

Lucky we have hard floors and no carpet yet.

TL:DR never ever shake a Pampers, it will explode in tiny plastic/paper pieces all over your room.

I (43f) have a severe dental phobia. My husband has to take the kids to the dentist because I just cannot be in the building. I brush and floss to try and minimise the need, but then this happened.

About a decade ago, I bit into something crunchy and a tooth snapped in half. It didn't cause any pain, so I left it. I brushed as usual, flossed as usual, but I found that I had a really bad taste in my mouth.

I bought an electric floss thing that uses water and tried that. Foul smelling food fell out. I was mortified, but I'd found the solution and carried on my usual routine.

Cut to decade later. It's night time. I brush my teeth, floss my teeth, and use the electric flosser. I do a quick visual check to make sure the hole is clear, when I see something. I grab some plastic tweezers that I have, and I start to dig around. I thing I have it, so I pull it out.

It was a hair. A disgusting, discoloured hair wrapped up in my tooth with clumps of food stuck to it. I am so mortified that I just stare at it in horror. I have no idea how this happened and I hate myself.

The next day, I called the dentist and made an appointment. I'm having the tooth extracted in a week and I can't wait.

TL;DR: I broke a tooth, didn't see a dentist because of a phobia for a decade, and pulled an actual hair out of the hole in my tooth. Have an appointment to see the dentist in a week.

This mortifying incident happened last week, and I'm still struggling to recover from the embarrassment.

I had an important virtual meeting scheduled with my boss and several coworkers to discuss an upcoming project. I was prepared with all my notes and materials, ready to contribute and make a good impression. Before the meeting started, I decided to quickly check my social media and personal email, as I had a few minutes to spare.

The meeting began, and everything was going smoothly. We were all engaged in a lively discussion when my boss asked me to share my screen to display some relevant documents. I confidently hit the "Share Screen" button, not realizing that I had forgotten to close my social media and email tabs.

To my absolute horror, my screen revealed not only the project-related documents but also my open social media profiles and a personal email thread discussing my recent date in explicit detail. My face turned beet red as I fumbled to close the inappropriate tabs, but the damage was already done.

My boss cleared his throat and, trying to suppress a grin, politely asked me to focus on the task at hand. I stammered an apology, feeling the weight of my coworkers' eyes on me as they tried to stifle their laughter. The remainder of the meeting was painfully awkward, and I couldn't wait for it to end.

As soon as the call was over, I received a flood of teasing messages from my coworkers, who couldn't resist poking fun at my embarrassing blunder. I sent a formal apology to my boss and promised to be more diligent about my screen sharing in the future.

Needless to say, I've learned my lesson the hard way: always double-check what's on your screen before sharing it with others. The embarrassment of exposing your personal life to your professional circle is not something I'd wish on anyone.

TLDR: I accidentally shared my screen during a video call, revealing my open social media profiles and a personal email discussing a recent date in explicit detail, leading to a mortifying and awkward meeting with my boss and coworkers.

It was a beautiful day and I decided to take a walk in the park. As I was walking, I noticed a man in a trench coat following me. At first, I thought I was being paranoid, but as I turned around to look, I saw that he was indeed following me.

My heart started to race as I imagined all sorts of terrible things. Just as I was about to break into a sprint, the man suddenly stopped in his tracks and started to shake uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked.

"I'm sorry," he said, still shaking. "I have an uncontrollable urge to do the chicken dance whenever I see someone walking in the park."

I couldn't help but burst out laughing at the absurdity of it all. And before I knew it, the man had joined in and we were both doing the chicken dance in the middle of the park.

As we danced, I couldn't help but feel grateful that what I thought was going to be a scary encounter turned out to be a hilarious one. And to this day, whenever I see someone in a trench coat, I can't help but smile and think of the chicken dance.

But as we danced, the man suddenly collapsed, still shaking uncontrollably. I immediately called for an ambulance, and the man was rushed to the hospital.

I later found out that the man had a severe case of epilepsy and that the excitement of the chicken dance triggered a grand mal seizure. I felt terrible and visited him in the hospital to apologize for unknowingly causing his seizure.

The man was very understanding and even found humor in the situation. We both laughed about the incident, and he even taught me some new chicken dance moves.

TL;DR … Mistook a code word for seizure/maybe Tourette’s for dancing.

This happened months ago, but ngl im bored so why not post it.

We're Arabs, if that'll explain this.

Me (17F) and my family went to Switzerland for a few weeks, and while we were there my aunt wanted to do some shopping, so me and my three cousins (her kids) and my uncle (her husband) decided to go to this huge building and it was sort of like Ikea.

We get there and we're looking around and everythings fine, and she says she has to go to the bathroom. I tell her I'll wait for her (I seriously do not trust this woman alone, she barely speaks English and shes very stubborn) and she says "no, you do some shopping"

My cousin pats my back and says "Dont try" and so fine, okay. After a few minutes, I get this feeling so I say, "Its been ages, lets go look for her" and me and two of my cousins go to check on her leaving one with my uncle.

We see her standing by the door and I say "Oh, what're you doing?" and she says "This woman has been in there for ages, oh my god. Im gonna piss my pants." and I started laughing. She starts looking around, and here is when the FU happens:

She sees the fucking fire alarm, and assumes its a fucking doorbell for the bathroom so she hits it. SHE FUCKING PUSHES THE BUTTON EVEN THOUGH IT CLEARLY IS NOT A BATHROOM DOORBELL, THATS NOT A THING.

Alarms are going off, and me and my cousins are staring at each other in complete fucking disbelief, this poor lady runs out of the bathroom, still pulling up her pants and gives us a look then RUNS, and im looking around and I see people leaving the building and my aunt goes "its so loud" AND JUST WALKS INTO THE BATHOOM

I am completely fucking flabbergasted and I say "What the fuck?" and my cousins go "Its a normal occurrence, remember Mecca?" and we lost it.

At this point me and my cousins lose our fucking shit and we're on the ground laughing our asses off. My uncle comes running and goes "DONT PANIC DONT PANIC! I asked and they said that some dumbass lady hit the fire alarm just to go to the bathroom, some people are so fucking stupid."

And that has me and my cousins gasping for breath on the ground and my cousin manages to say "Dad, thats your wife."

My uncle looks horrified, but then he shakes his head and mutters "this woman is gonna kill me one day" while my other cousin just busts out laughing too.

So, now all four of us are on the ground gasping for breath, and my aunt walks out and goes "Why are you on the ground?" and my uncle grabs her and goes "Just run, just fucking run we're never coming back here again" and he makes us run out of the building.

10/10 experience, I wanna do that again, but i feel bad for the people.

TL;DR - My Arab aunt thought that the fire alarm was a fucking bathroom doorbell, and pushed it, resulted in an evacuation of sorts, and now we're never going back there.

For some context, me and 3 of my friends/uni classmates are involved in a coding project. Basically we have to write in Java a whole board game. It's been some weeks that I have been asking to clean their code(correcting some typos and structures) before to go on with the next phase, because everytime I would look at their code to update the UML (a diagram that sums up the structure of the software) it gives me anxiety seeing so many underlines and warnings (like not conventional declaration). It's my first project and my first time programming in Java, and when I divided the work I gave to 2 of them(the most experienced) a couple of classes that were pretty difficult to write, and in fact they struggled a lot even if they know how to code far more than me. Today I was pretty stressed, it's been a week since I've been feeling sick and tired and trying my best to keep up with all my courses after a very bad experience in my previous exam session, and cherry on top got on my shoulder another small project (me and my bf out of 13 people in the group, where my friend is included) that led me to freak out with PowerPoint 'cause it would not respond at each of my clicks (very annoying haha). So when I went to update the UML I kept seeing warnings and some of their choices seemed unlogical to me (I kinda want to discuss what we did but they don't seem interested in doing this) and this is when I lost my mind and texted on the group how much they were bothering me but they kept telling me that it wasn't important, it's just a waste of time to fix them. There was when I snapped and said "okay, let's keep working like shit then" (that's the best translation i can do ahaha) and everyone got mad at me, rightfully. I apologized and recognized their work, but I'm getting anxious about tomorrow and how they will think of me. I feel really sorry for how I snapped at them in the moment of the heat but I was so frustrated because I felt ignored since they would tell me "yeah yeah, we will" and nothing ever changed.

TL;DR: In very stressed and overwhelmed moment I snapped at my friend's saying "okay, let's keep working like shit then" after he finally finished a very complicated task. I apologized but I'm feeling very anxious for our next encounter.

I dislike paying tolls. I admit that. I will go to lengths to avoid paying tolls.

This past weekend, I started sexting with a new Tinder friend and we decided to meet up for casual adult fun (meeting to give him BJ). I was across the lake running errands when he texted me his address and apartment entry code. So I googled his address and looked at the possible routes. One took me across a toll bridge that I never use, the other took me to the bridge further south but was free. It only added an extra 20 minutes to the commute because of some accidents along the way and some big sports event, but that’s ok.

I chose the free route and told him the ETA. Along the way, however, I hit a bunch of traffic lights and stop-and-go traffic, resulting in a drive that took 10-15 minutes longer than Google had originally estimated. No biggie, I was able to sext him when I wasn’t in motion. I was getting him horned up and ready to explode.

Well, maybe that’s where I went wrong. Apparently he couldn’t wait 10-15 extra minutes. Or rather, his dick couldn’t. When I parked, I got the message from him that he had already finished it off himself. He was riled up and couldn’t keep himself from jacking off.

To his credit, he did come down to apologize in person and took me to the cafe at the street level of his building for a coffee (which I paid for because he left his wallet upstairs, fine). As consolation, he offered to have me come back in a few hours because he might be in the mood again.

I didn’t take him up on his offer and told him I already had plans. I think he could tell I was pretty annoyed. And I was. He just texted again asking about tonight, but I think I’m still too annoyed to say yes.

TL;DR: I took a free route to a hookup and sexted along the way. The delay and the sexting made the guy’s dick impatient and he jacked off before I arrived. Then I paid for his coffee. And the toll-free option probably burned more gas than the money I saved in picking the toll-free route.

This happened yesterday.

So my husband(28m) and I (30f) have been married for a little over a year now and together for 4 years in total. He’s my best friend and the most perfect partner I could ever ask for. I really don’t know how I got so lucky with this man.

Anyways, a couple of nights ago he ate a bunch of mozzarella sticks and released a fart on me in bed that was almost equal to a nuclear bomb coming out of his asshole. So I’ve taken it upon myself to get revenge in some way. I’ve had some little toots here and there but nothing equal to the force he unleashed on me. So yesterday at work I had some French toast and bacon for lunch. Nothing abnormal and I didn’t really think it would upset my stomach that bad. I was wrong. Very wrong.

He was minding his own business in his man cave and I came in there to say hello and I also felt something brewing in stomach and I knew I would finally get some kind of revenge. I walked in, farted, and I was frozen. My eyes got really big and I unleashed a very wet fart. I felt it instantly. A very small amount of wet leaked out of my butthole and I was shocked. I’ve never had this happen to me before. So as he was just calling me gross I just looked at him and said “I’m sorry I shit my pants” and left the room.

I immediately went into the bathroom to start taking a shower and I took my shitty panties with me because we don’t have a washer and drier right now because we just moved. So just as I began to start my shower, the fucking water in shower head begins to get less and less water pressure. I knew something was wrong.

The shower head stopped working completely and my naked body is standing there covered in soap and my head is full of shampoo. I didn’t know what to do so I turned the water off on the shower head so it was only coming out of the faucet to the bath. I turned the shower part back on and it started working again for about a minute. So I repeat my steps and it finally works and I get cleaned and step out of the shower. I am so embarrassed and now I just want to cry. I go straight to bed and didn’t wake up until 230pm.

My husband still loves me and the sun still came out today.

TLDR; never trust a fart.

I was born in Singapore, spent most of my childhood abroad, and only moved back at 17. Maybe if I grew up there I would have known more seriously how they treat crime and misbehaviour.

I didn't pay much attention in school and got involved in crime in my late teens and earlier 20s, eventually escalating to robbery. I didn't use a real weapon but pretended I had one, and it worked well for a while in a place where most people are unaccustomed to street crime, until inevitably I eventually got caught.

This was during the early pandemic so they maybe factored that in when giving me a comparably short prison term at only 2 year, but I think the judge made up for it by ordering 12 strokes of the cane, a bit higher than I expected. I knew it would hurt but I had no idea how bad it actually would be.

Prison was no fun, of course, but the worst was that they don't tell you what day your caning will be. So every day I wondered if today would be the day. I started to get very anxious after hearing a couple other prisoners say how serious it is.

They left me in that suspense for the first 14 months of my sentence or so until I began to try to hope, after hundreds of "false alarms" of guards walking by the cell for some other purpose, that maybe they'd forget or something and it would never happen. But nope, finally I was told that today's the day. I had to submit for a medical exam and a doctor certified that I was fit to receive my punishment.

My heart was racing all morning, and finally I was led away to be caned. It's done in private, outside the sight of any other prisoners. It's not supposed to be a public humiliation event like in Sharia, the punishment rather comes from the pain.

I had to remove my clothes and was strapped down to the device to hold me in place for the caning. There was a doctor there and some officers worked to set up some protection over my back so that only my buttocks was exposed. I had to thank the caning officers for carrying out my sentence to teach me a lesson.

I tried to psyche myself up thinking "OK it's 12 strokes, I can do this!" But finally the first stroke came. I remember the noise of it was so loud and then the pain was so shocking and intense, I cried out in shock and agony. I tried then to get away but I couldn't move.

By the 3rd stroke I could barely think straight, I remember feeling like my brain was on fire and the pain was all over my body, not just on the buttocks. I think I was crying but things become blurry after that in my memory. I remember the doctor checking to see if i was still fit for caning at one point and giving the go ahead to continue.

After the 12th stroke they released me but I couldn't move, 2 officers had to help me hobble off. They doused the wounds with antiseptic spray and then took me back to a cell to recover. My brain felt like it was melting from the pain so my sense of time is probably a bit distorted from that day but I remember I collapsed down in the cell and either passed our or went to sleep.

But little did I realize that the real punishment of Caning is more the aftermath, than the caning itself!

When I woke up the pain was still incredibly intense, but not so much that it was distorting my mind, which almost made it worse in a way. My buttocks had swollen immensely and any pressure on it felt like fire that immediately crippled me, almost worse than a kick to the groin.

My first time I felt like I had to use the toilet, I was filled with dread because of the pain...I managed to do it squatting instead of sitting, but still, just the motion of going "#2" agitated all the wounds and the pain was so sudden and intense that I threw up. I tried to avoid eating for a week because I didn't want to have to use the toilet.

After a couple days the officers told me I couldn't lay naked in my cell anymore and had to wear clothes. This was scary because they would agitate the wounds. I spent most of the day trying to lay face-down and totally still because even small movements would hurt so bad as the clothes rustled against it.

This continued for about a month before things started to heal, and even then, these actions remained very painful, just not cripplingly painful. I didn't sit or lay on my back for many months. By the time I got out of prison I had mostly recovered but even to this day, there are severe scars and the area can be a bit sensitive.

It was way worse than I expected the experience to be. I know it's my fault but I do wish my parents had warned me more about the seriousness of justice here when we moved back - though I know i wouldn't have listened as a stupid teen. Thankfully they were supportive when I got out and I'm getting back on my feet - literally and metaphorically.

TL:DR Got caught for robbery in Singapore, found out judicial caning is way worse than I ever imagined

Mandatory: This happened last Saturday, March 25th. So, it’s quite fresh. And this is a throwaway account, I won’t post something like this with my real account…

Disclaimer: I don’t come here looking for sympathy. Not in reddit of all places. What happened (what I’m about to tell you) was 100% on me. 100% my fault. I just wanted to share this with the universe… Hopefully, someone will learn something from this.

A little bit of context first: I’m a normal guy, 47 years old. I’m married, have two kids, normal life, normal job, middle class. An average guy in every sense of the word.

I’m quite fit for my age, I eat well, I work out twice a week. I practiced TaeKwondo and Kung-Fu when I was young, but I haven’t trained in martial arts in 30 years. Still, I can handle myself well in a fight. I know the basics at least.

And now, the juicy part. This Saturday started like any other day. I was planning on going to Chinatown to get some toys for my kids, spicy food and grape flavored Fanta. I was in a good mood actually.

When I left my house, I was walking in the street and crashed into another guy. This happens usually because there’s a supermarket in that street. So… lots of people, always. It’s common to crash into someone, cause people are always in a hurry.

So… I hadn’t even turned, but I heard this guy yelling at me and insulting me. I was going to keep walking, but this guy kept insulting me and… some demon inside me just woke up. Thus, I turned and started insulting him. At that point, we were both still walking in opposite directions, putting more and more distance between each other, but we both kept insulting the other. But then, he said a couple of things that really pissed me off, so I turned and started walking towards him. From this moment on, he stopped talking. He kept walking turning every once in a while, without saying anything, and I kept walking toward him and yelling… It was like… as if he had realized this was going to end in a fight and he didn’t want to get involved. But it was too late for me… I was already on fire.

In his last effort to avoid the fight, he got into the supermarket. I was beyond pissed, So I was standing just outside and yelled at him: “Are you a pussy now?” and raised my guard. This was the point of no return.

The guy stepped outside, and because of the way he moved, I instantly knew he was trained in some kind of MMA-like discipline. He was using an all-out, aggressive brawling style. I, on the other hand, opted for a more traditional kung-fu approach. We engaged in combat, and the guy was able to land a few punches on my face. I, on the other hand, was able to land only one straight punch to his nose, and I made it bleed. After our first clash I understood something. His punches didn’t hurt me. He was not strong enough. Even though he was about 20 years younger than me, I was heavier than him. In my estimation, he was about 132 lbs, while I am 180 lbs. I was able to whistand a few punches, while just one of my punches made him bleed.

So, there I was, pretty confident at this point. I was like: “I’m gonna teach this motherfucker not to insult random people in the street.”

The guy touched his nose and wiped the blood. For a second, he looked at his bloody hand without believing it… How was is possible that an old fart made him bleed… right?

I was there, standing in front of him, with my arms extended in a right line, assuming that in order to hit me, he would have to come within range… and while he would be able to land a few punches, I believed my next hit would end the fight. I was aiming for the throat this time.

And then… He did the one thing I was not expecting. From the distance, he kicked me in the left knee. It was a lateral kick, deadly accurate. The kind of kick that you just don’t throw randomly. The kind of kick you practiced a hundred or a thousand times before.

At that very moment, my left leg couldn’t support my weight anymore and I fell. I tried to get up quickly, but my leg didn’t agree with me. I was done for.

Luckily for me, God exists somewhere, and some random guys in the street, grabbed him and prevented him to keep hitting me. Since I was already on the floor and unable to get up, the fight was over. He was yelling like a madman, that I went looking for him at the supermarket… to fight. Which was true… 100% true… what happened, happened because I was provoked, and I was unable to control myself… I had a lot of opportunities to walk away, and yet, I didn’t.

And of course, I paid the price. Now I have a broken knee. It will take 3 to six months to recover, and (the worse part), It might need surgery. The knee if an awful place to get hurt.

The first few hours after the fight I kept thinking, over and over, what could I have done to get a different outcome. My first thought was… “I should have kept hitting him when he was injured, I’m a fool, I stopped attacking”. But hey, as you have probably realized by now, this is not a tale about how could I have won the fight. This is a cautionary tale. This is about a stupid choice that can change your life. This is about learning from it… so kids… don’t be like me. Think before you act…

I want to end this post on a happy note. Not everything is bad, So I now try to focus on good things. For example, due to my leg injury, I won’t have to go to the office for 3 months at least. 100% remote work… And Since I cannot take a normal bath because I can’t get into the bathtub, now I get Japanese style baths. That’s me, sitting on a chair, and my wife washes me… Japanese style baths have their perks you know?

TL;DR: I pick up a fight with a random guy and he turned out to be a MMA practitioner. Now I have a broken Knee... and get Japanese style baths ;)

Alright so basically about 30 minutes ago I (18M) got to go on my break, and needed to piss. I did my thing, washed my hands, but got too invested in this Bonnie and Clyde article I was reading. Without even realizing it, I put the toilet cover down, put one foot up on it, and just spent like 10 minutes reading this article, I was so invested and kept jumping from article to article.

I somehow forgot to lock the bathroom door, and so it swung open and it was my manager himself. At first he turned away and said “oh sorry” but then realized that I had just one foot up on the toilet with my phone in the other. He gave me the weirdest look and just walked away without saying anything.

How the fuck do I explain being in a masturbating position with my phone in hand while in the bathroom at work lol

TL;DR I was reading an article at work with my foot up on the toilet and my manager walked in on me and (probably) thought I was jerking off.

This was many years back when I was new to marijuana. At most I would only smoke small amounts, a little bit into a one hitter and that would get me sufficiently high as a kite. My stoner friend who got me smoking in the first place gifted me my first experience with weed from Colorado, I lived in Texas where it was illegal so it was cheap street weed I've had until this point. I was intrigued by the name of it Grand Daddy Purple. So to mark such a new joyous occasion, I went to the local smoke shop and bought my first bong, packed up my first full bowl of GDP and went to town! I was high as a fucking kite and I was having the time of my life with it, however it didn't stop there, I decided to not only have a 2nd full bowl but a 3rd as well! I have gotten so high to the point that the world was a blur and I was living in a fantasy world in my own mind of rainbows and unicorns. During this time, my high ass decided to munch down on some pizza with extra cheese and cheesy bread despite very clearly being lactose intolerant. The time came all too fast that I needed to brush up on my football knowledge by taking the browns to the superbowl while still in my blazed state of mind. The secondary super soaker finally ran on empty and it was time I needed to clean up. But unfortunately because I was so high, I felt like I had actually forgot how to do the same deed I've done every day for 25 years. I forgot how to wipe. In my high stupor, I thought I had a genius idea of getting naked, hopping in the shower, and rinse it out like a makeshift bidet even though I've never used a bidet in my life at this point. I would turn around from the shower head and let the water run down my back and into my crater, I would even use my hand to help get it out when my behind was sufficiently moist enough and wash up normally afterward. After my shower, I was drained and the melatonin effect of being high was now hitting and I needed to sleep, not even thinking about if I left a mess of liquid gold in the tub. I immediately got dressed in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and hit the hay. When I would finally awaken from my slumber, I had the worst itch of my life coming from my fleshy food dispenser and I would throw my hand behind me and try to use my shorts to assist in the itch to no avail in relieving the pain, so I put my hand down my pants and went at it at my leather cheerio to a satisfying sigh of an itch being calmed. This would only lead to my worst nightmares becoming reality that when I pulled my hand back out, it was the smell of a thousand port-o-potties at once coming from my hand and in true horror I realized my hand was covered in the remains of last night's pizza and immediately jumped up to run to the bathroom to clean up! I threw my shorts off, seeing how filthy they were, the whole backside just covered in brown and the color seeping through the now moist fabric, I knew I would never wear these shorts again and quickly threw them in the bathroom trash can and washed my hands furiously like a surgeon before surgery except much longer to be as detailed with my hand sanitation as possible. When I believed I was finally cleaner than a germaphobe in a sanitary bubble, I decided it might be a good idea to double up on the clean and take a shower, I pulled back the closed curtain to even more horror of the whole floor of the bathtub being covered in the mess I thought I finally got rid of and some of it even being on the walls of the tub as well! Not only did I need a deep cleaning but now the tub is going to need and even bigger deep cleaning and I knew I had my work cut out for me. Before tackling this huge task, I just wanted to go back to sleep and nap for an extra hour maybe two. Closed the curtain and tried to erase it from my mind. The moment I get back to my bed and lay down, I feel the same wetness, the same disgusting squish in my sheets to find that everything I had done last night did nothing but become the gunpowder to a grenade waiting to explode and explode it did! I not only dirtied my tub, myself, but also my bed! All I could do is weep with disgust and claim that I would never get that high again (I was wrong, but that's for another thread).

TLDR: TIFU by getting so high I forgot how to wipe and tried to use my shower as a bidet that did nothing but spread poo like butter in my tub, myself, and my bed.

Edit: I realize I messed up the title and I can't seem to edit it.

There's a hip hop club in my city that always has Rap Battles on Thursdays. For those who don't know, Rap Battles are when two rappers perform head to head against each other and the audience or a judge determines who is better. Usually (but not always) this involves insults or 'disses' aimed at the opponent, but in a good natured and artistic sort of way!

I've been going to the Rap Battles at this club for the last couple of months and I really got into them. There's a pretty regular crowd there and some seriously talented rappers that go up to battle pretty often. Once a month they'll do kind of an 'open mic' night where amateur rappers can participate. This month I decided "what the hell" and I decided to sign up! I showed up about an hour before the show to get on the list. I was definitely nervous, but some of the regular audience members who I always see around were signing up too so that made me feel better. I haven't actually ever talked to them, but I recognize them. Sometimes I give like one of those friendly upward nods to them when we make eye contact getting a drink or something.

The host in charge of the sign up is a really cool guy and he was already making some good-natured jabs at my expense which were pretty funny and really started to get me in the mood for the Rap Battles! I was scheduled to go on stage for the 3rd Rap Battle so I went to my regular table to watch until it was my turn. I was really impressed by the first two Battles! The pro guys are always really good, but these amateurs were surprisingly good too and honestly I was starting to get really nervous!

So finally it's my turn and I get up there and I see my opponent really looks the part, which made me even more nervous. And just as I feared, he was really good. He was going in hard dissing me, but with this really good flow and rhyming everything perfectly. He had really good lines about my looks, my weight, my physique, my clothes, and a LOT about my ethnicity (white). I guess I was feeling the pressure a lot and kind of rocking on my feet and laughing nervously because he was spitting bars about that stuff too.

So I kind of zone out and suddenly it gets really quiet....and I realize it's my turn to rap back at him!! My mind was pretty much going blank at this point and all I can think about is how bright the lights are and how long it's been silent for. This was turning into a disaster already, but I knew I had to get something out. I remember the line I got out exactly because it's probably the only line I'm going to get to rap on a stage. It went:

"You're not even that good at rap so suck my balls and eat my crap!"

I froze again after that because I just knew instantly that my rap was no good. It was crass and insulting without even being that funny, and it wasn't even true because the guy was a good rapper. It's just not the sort of thing you usually hear at Rap Battles. The audience starts booing and I can hear them making fun of me too. I start racking my brain to come up with something much better and make a comeback, when the other guy just starts taking my time and hitting me with even harder disses!! There's way more about my ethnicity and my weight and now, of course, stuff about what a bad rapper I am!! The crowd was just losing it at this point and cheering and howling with laughter.

So the format is supposed to be Rapper 1 goes, then Rapper 2, then Rapper 1 gets to go again and Rapper 2 gets a final turn. But when it came to my second turn, I didn't even get to go again! The host came on and just started waving his arms like a boxing referee when one of the boxers gets knocked out and said the other guy won without giving me another chance! I know it's not like I was going to win at that point, but a seasoned Rap Battle host ought to know that the only way I'm going to get better is if I get a chance to practice.

I stayed and watched the rest of the Rap Battles and had a couple drinks. By the end of it I had calmed down a lot and started to have fun again. On my way out the host was sitting by the entrance and I stopped real quick and said in kind of a self-deprecating way "I guess it can only get better from here, huh?". He looked at me like he was kind of mad and not like his usual affable self and he just said really flatly "Don't come back here, man". I was a little taken aback by this but I was still trying to be chill and I laughed a little and said "Yeah maybe I should just stick to watching!" but he wasn't laughing back and he said "Nah man, don't come back here at all. Seriously, just get out of here."

I don't know if he was really serious or not but it put me in a sour mood for the rest of the night. I really looked forward to the Rap Battles and I went almost every week but I guess they don't care about that and they only want you around if you're good at rap or just keep your mouth shut.

TL;DR: I fucked up so badly at the Rap Battles I was told to never come back

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice after my terrible experience last weekend in Dallas for my birthday. My two friends (let's call them Bob and Steve) and I went out for a night on the town, and we ended up at a strip club. We had already had a few drinks at dinner, and things were going well until the dancers started offering us drugs.

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At first, I didn't realize what was happening, but after taking the first hit, I sobered up enough to wonder how we even got it in the first place. Despite my better judgment, we continued to party because everyone seemed to be having a good time. Later, the club staff took Bob and me to the office, stating we had made a large purchase. At that point, I was extremely intoxicated and didn't question it. They said the charge was $10,000, and I signed the transaction with my credit card. Bob was also charged $8,000. I remember him saying it was something about service fees for the girls. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but in the moment, I was like, okay, well, I don't want any problems. I better go ahead and pay. When I looked at my account the next morning, I found a second charge for $5,000 on my card. I had fraud alerts for both my credit card and bank account. Luckily I didn't have that much in the bank card that was used, so even though I have a text from ME on my phone confirming I was the one purchasing, that didn't go through. My credit card, however, did have enough. I saw the original charge was flagged as possible fraud, but I found the call I made on my phone to my credit card company, where I'm guessing I told them it was me.

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Steve, who was not involved in the drugs, tried to come and get us earlier during the night, but the club staff would not allow him to come talk to us. They told him we were fine so he ended up going back to the hotel not thinking anything of it.

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Bob and I have always been responsible with our money. Legally, I feel like there's nothing we can do because, technically, we approved any charges that were made. Still, the whole situation seemed extremely predatorial to us when I recall them taking us down to the office. We're now facing a significant financial hit that will take quite some time to recover from.

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TL;DR: Got drunk in Dallas, took drugs from strippers, and now I owe an ungodly amount of money for about 3-4 hours of getting titties slapped in my face.

ve been dabbling in edibles the past few months and have found I quite enjoy them. I only do them once or twice a week, I relied heavily on friends advice how to take them. I started out small, didn't feel much until I took about 7.5mg. 10 is also great for me from time to time. Well time before last when I went to the dispensary the worker there informed me they'll hopefully be switching the gummies from 5mg to 10mg.

I thought nothing of it and two months go by. I run out of my stash so I go get more. I get my usual lime gummies and go about my merry way. I put them in a cabinet at home and I don't touch them for a few days. Then I decide I wanna feel out of it a little so I take a gummy and a half. I'm thinking it's 7.5mg. But it's actually 15mg.

I felt a little nauseous but was starting to get munchies so I went into the kitchen and made 2 meals. I meal prepped lunch and breakfast for my entire work week starting at 9:30pm. I went to bed at midnight and had to get up at 4:30 am for work.

I was still mildly high when I went to work. I tell you what though, at 6am I ate my chorizo, egg and potato tacos in the breakroom and everyone was jealous of what I brought. And it was damn delicious. I also made dressed up instant ramen with eggs already cooked and meat already cooked. All I needed to do was add water and microwave it.

Anyway, the time comes again when I want to be out of it. I go to the cabinet and get my gummies. This time I notice the dosage at 10mg. It immediately explained why I was so out of it that night.

TL;DR, My dispensary told me they upped the dosage of their gummies, I completely forgot and took double what I normally do. I stayed up way too late making food.

Obligatory this happened last summer. Been meaning to share this story and I finally got over it so enjoy the ride. Also, english is my second language so let's not shit on me.

Last summer I was traveling to Budapest, Hungary. My family went on this crazy tour visiting all of these beautiful places. I decided to join them for a couple of days and choose Budapest (worst mistake ever. Even worst then eating a Babybell including the red wax). I flew in on a Friday. We had a lovely day catching up and exploring the city. After spending the day with the family I decided to go out and meet some people. I decided to get a drink in the hotel bar first before going to a club. I was staying in the Sheraton, which was close to the centre so I could just walk to the nearest club afterwards. I went to the bar to get my drink and I locked eyes with what I felt was a supermodel. She was beautiful, and she knew it. I walked up to her to introduced myself and after that we just hit it off. We sat down at a table next to us, had a couple of bottles and got really comfortable together.

Now, my initial plan was to get smothered drunk and just see after how many rejections I would call it a night and go back to my hotel room. So when Coco (yes I know don't even get me started) asked if I had a room in the hotel I was in surprised. It felt like I got all my future blessings from god all at once. I told her we could go to my room to enjoy the lovely view. We went up to my room (both pretty drunk I must say) and enjoyed the view for what felt like 0.2 seconds before we undressed each other and got to the deed.

Now.... if you just stop reading here, this could have easily been one of my best one night stand experiences I have ever had. But what you'll read further down here will assure you that those blessings from god where in fact from Jabba the Hutt himself.

After about 30 minutes in she told me to get the small towel from the bathroom and make it wet. She told me she had a friend who told her to insert the wet towel in your ass and just continue having sex, because it would "feel nice". Thank you friend for the amazing idea.

So here's what I did, I soaked the towel in water, I rolled it up (like you would before spanking someone) and I made sure to make a knot on one end, just to be sure her anus wouldn't just eat the whole damn thing.

I made Coco spread her legs and we inserted the towel in her ass. After a minute or so the whole thing was inside of her and we just let it be for the time being. We had sex for maybe an hour and a half. Up until this point I was not sure what to do with the towel and just forgot about it.

Right before she was going to climax she yelled "PULL YOUR DICK AND THE TOWEL OUT WHEN I CUM". Because, and I can't stress this enough, her friend said it would "feel nice".

So... she came. I pulled my dick out, and yanked the towel simultaneously. For a split second I felt dopamine rushing through my body before I saw her body transforming into one of those sewer pipes that gets unclogged.

The wet towel made her anus so relaxed that she couldn't hold in the shit. It was all over me, the bed, the walls, the TV, part of the window (there goes the view) and obviously it flew all over my clothes.

I froze like Frozone while my lovely ONS turned into a shit sprinkler without off button. When she was finally empty we looked at each other for a solid minute before we could comprehends what had just happened. Now, a normal guy would probably ask if she was okay. But me, being covered in shit of a girl I just met a couple of hours ago, was not thinking logically. So, instead of asking how she was, I yelled: "WHO THE FUCK IS 'THIS FRIEND'". Turns out it was one of her funny guy friends who heard a story JUST LIKE THIS but forgot to mention the shit part. Thanks a lot friend.

TL;DR: Inserted a wet towel in the ass of my one night stand, yanked it out of her after the sex which made her anus loose enough to paint the hotel room brown.

Hello reddit, this is my second post here and I have a story to share that happened today.

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So, I have been working from home for the past year due to the pandemic, and I have to admit that I have been neglecting some aspects of my personal hygiene. One of them is trimming my pube hair, which has grown into a wild jungle down there. I know, I know, it's disgusting, but I was too lazy and busy to deal with it.

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Anyway, today I had a video call with my boss and some colleagues to discuss a project we are working on. Everything was going fine until my boss asked me to share my screen and show him some documents I had prepared. I agreed and clicked on the share screen button on Zoom.

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What I didn't realize was that I had left my photo gallery app open on my laptop, and the last picture I had taken was a close-up of my pube hair. I had taken it yesterday as a joke to send to my girlfriend, but I forgot to delete it afterwards. As soon as I shared my screen, the picture popped up on everyone's screen, including my boss's.

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There was a moment of silence as everyone stared at the hairy horror. As soon as I saw the picture on my screen, I panicked and tried to close the app, but it was too late. Everyone had seen it and there was a moment of awkward silence. Then, I heard my boss say “What the hell is that?” in a very angry tone. I felt my face turn red and I quickly apologized and explained that it was a joke for my girlfriend. I hoped he would understand and laugh it off, but he didn’t. Then he ended the call abruptly. I was mortified and ashamed. I didn’t know what to do.

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I decided to write an email to my boss and apologize again for my mistake. I sent the email and hoped for the best. A few hours later, I received a reply from my boss. He said he appreciated my apology and honesty, but he was still very disappointed and angry with me. He said he would have to report this incident to the HR department and that there would be consequences for my actions. He said he would let me know what they were soon.

I felt a wave of relief and dread at the same time. I was glad he accepted my apology, but I was scared of what would happen next. Would I get fired? Would I get demoted? Would I lose his trust and respect? Would my colleagues laugh at me or avoid me? Would my girlfriend dump me?

I don’t know what will happen next, but I know one thing for sure: I will never take a picture of my pube hair again.

TL;DR: I accidentally shared a picture of my pube hair with my boss and colleagues on Zoom. I apologized profusely, but he was still mad at me and reported me to HR. Now I’m waiting for the consequences of my mistake.

My teacher (53F) and I (21M) have become friends since I graduated 3 years ago and although everyone I’ve told has said it’s weird and she is 30 years older than me we both seem to think it’s pretty normal. We were close back when she was my biology teacher in 9th grade and once I moved on to 10th and eventually became a senior we always would greet each other in the hallways and I would stop by once the final period ended to talk to her. She always told me to never tell anyone about our meetings and even after I graduated told me to never tell anyone about our friendship which I thought was weird. We would always complement each others looks and talked about life, her divorce 10 years ago now, and how she regrets not having children until it was too late.

We have been talking pretty much daily, but I never thought of it as a sexual thing, especially considering our age gap and how I didn’t find her very attractive. She, however, started talking about her sexual needs around 2 years ago and would send me suggestive pictures every night of her in a bra or even lingerie. I promised myself I wouldn’t let my horny side take over and would never send anything back or entertain the idea of us meeting up and becoming intimate, but recently a girl I was talking to ghosted me and I am in a dark place mentally when it comes to relationships and women so last Friday night after celebrating St Patrick’s day with some buddies and having a few shots she sent me a picture in a towel and I sent her a picture back, it wasn’t a full frontal nude or anything just me in underwear and she went crazy!!!

She opened it immediately and replied with a bare chested picture that my drunken-self thought was stunning (reminder she never had kids and she was in good shape) I replied asking to see them in person and I said I would be driving from school back home next weekend. Once I woke up hungover that next morning I realized the mistake I made, I had 10+ texts from her reminding me how excited she was to see me in person again and I knew there was no going back.

Fast forward to Thursday night I took the 4 hour drive back home and was thinking about ways to back out, but I’m too nice I couldn’t do that to a person who taught me and has helped me through the tough times of my transition to becoming an adult. So I caved in to my doubts and regrets and woke up the next morning called her and set up a time to meet. I drove over to her place at around 6 pm and she answered the door dressed in a robe with the top opened slightly. I was expecting dinner or at least time to catch up but she took me straight to the bedroom and made me sit down on her bed.

I didn’t know what I was fully getting into when I first made the decision to come she started treating me like a student giving me instructions and making me call her ms. (redacted) we had been on first name terms for around 6 years at that point. She told me I was gonna have to stay after class for some extra help and I felt like a child, hardly a man getting bossed around and treated like a student. I won’t get too graphic but we did the deed and I felt awful afterwards. Instead of our usual conversations she told me it was good to see me and I should let her know next time I’ll be in town. She didn’t even ask me how school was going or how my drive up was she just said goodbye and I left. Hungry, sad, and regretful. I felt like I had been used, but I know I started it and I agreed to it. This morning when I woke up I hadn’t received any messages from her and when I tried to reach out all I got was “busy talk later.” I don’t know what to do I feel like I lost one of my closest friends and someone who I could confide in and talk to after a rough day. I’ll try to update if things get better but I’m feeling pessimistic about it and my gut feeling is that things are gonna stay this way.

TL;DR my teacher and I became close friends once I graduated and I hooked up with her and ruined our friendship.

I found this ad via a job posting app.
https://imgur.com/a/qSLMnHs

In case you can't open or read that, the person is asking for help communicating with a person who was dying and in the hospital. The patient cannot talk but is aware and can move eyes, so a communication board was needed.

This type of communication is tedious but not difficult. I looked up a few free downloads for communication boards / sheets and responded offering to help, or to show them how to do it themselves.

(This should be something that the hospital staff have & can use, or at the very least they know about this simple technology and can ring social services or occupational therapy to bring it to the room.)

The person who answered my text was confused at first, but after seeing the ad remembered it. Said that the man died years ago. (There's no date on the ad!)

I felt so bad!

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TLDR: answered a very old job posting only to find that the person involved was long dead